Title: Crystal Clear Blue
Rating: NC-17
Author: Ellixer
Pairing: X/G
Disclaimer: Characters and show are owned by Universal and others. The story is mine. I make nothing.
Note: As with most people, I detested the finale of the show.  So this is after Gabrielle Does bring Xena back.  The resulting pain and love.​

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Pushing to pull me closer to you dear
Deeper than gravity is how I must be near
- Maxwell

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I’m wondering how many more times we’ll lose each other?  How many more times are we going to have to fight to see the other again? I can’t really take comfort in the fact that we will be together in some way every lifetime; because I’m living this life right now. I just want to stop, if only for a short time, and live a life free of death, a life with just us.

She’s over there filling the water skins, both of us quiet for the moment in the darkness. I refused to stay any longer than we had to.  I have to leave this mountain, this region to feel any bit of security whatsoever.  Her death was so close to permanent, I haven’t come to terms with that just yet.

We move on again, and I can’t bring myself to touch her.  I’m too afraid that this is all an illusion, or a dream that I’ll wake from and Xena will be gone. I can tell she senses my tension, but does nothing to fix it. Right now I just want to walk till I collapse. So that is what we do.

Days have passed, and we are still not close enough to home; but we are nearly out of Chin. With both Chin and Japa behind us I might rest easier but I can’t say for sure. Few words pass between us, not that she hasn’t tried I just can’t speak quite yet.
We finally cross out of Chin and I can’t seem to hold anything in any longer. I stumble off my horse, collapsing to the ground as sobs rack my body. Grief. Xena rushes to me, holds me as strongly as she can in her arms. She is not without her own tears.

‘Xena.’ I try to speak, to say everything that I’m feeling but I can barely form words in between the sobs that continue to rattle through my body.

‘Shhh.’

 

She tries her best to comfort me, it’s nearly impossible at this point. I grasp her face in my hands, our lips crush together but mine do not stay on hers long.  I pepper her face and neck with little kisses in a desperate attempt to feel and touch. Xena finally manages to separate us, resting her forehead against mine. My breathing is ragged, I can’t seem to reign in my feelings.
‘Gabrielle.’ She starts but I don’t let her finish. I explode upward and away from her.

‘I can’t do this anymore Xena!’  I make no attempt to stifle the tears that flow like a river from my eyes. There’s pain in hers as she fumbles for the right words to say.

‘I…. What do you mean?’

‘I can’t keep losing you. It’s killing me.’ I drop back to my knees in defeat.

‘I promise..’

‘You can’t promise!’ I cut her off before she can speak a lie. My words hit her like a sword slicing into her chest. She physically shudders and gulps down her own tears. ‘How many more times Xena? You’re not going to keep coming back. It’s going to be permanent one of these times.’ Can she not see the desperation, the pain that is reeking out of my every pore?

‘Do you not remember the promise you made before?’ I show her my palm where a scar flows across the skin.  I grab her hand, showing her own palm with matching scar to her. I grasp our hands together.

‘You promised yourself, your soul to me.  That you wouldn’t hurt me.’ I speak of the quiet bonding ritual the two of us shared with no one else. Just Xena and I, under the stars one night mixing our blood forever and every lifetime. She can’t seem to form words but the tears are flowing freely down her cheeks now.

‘Xena…’ I just don’t know what more I can say. Letting go of her hand, I slump down in defeat.

‘Im sorry Gabrielle, I’m so sorry.’ She grasps me again pulling me against her; whispering these words into my ear, over and over like a mantra. ‘It hurts me too.’ She finally manages to whisper. I know it does, but it doesn’t ease my own pain.

‘Can’t we just stop, just for a little.’ I plead with her.

‘I will do anything to make you happy.’ Her eyes search mine. And we just stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. Finally I pull away.

‘I need to get some wood.’ I have to step away for just a moment, compose myself and my thoughts.  She lets me go without a word. There is snow on the ground and I’m only just beginning to notice it. When I gather enough kindle, I return to our camp. Xena has set up a partial shelter to reflect the heat of the fire, and to protect us from any more snow that might fall.

After I get a fire going, I sit on the ground trying to breathe and bring peace back. It’s an impossible task. I feel her fingers softly on my shoulder. Craning my head up I see her hand extended down towards me. I give in, giving her my hand and letting her lead me back to the shelter.  We sit down together as she wraps a fur around us both, pulling us closer together. I lay my head against her shoulder, staring into the fire. There’s no more for me to say.

‘You know I love you.’ She whispers.  All her words come out quiet as if each syllable is a struggle to say.

‘I know.’ I do, with all my heart. My eyes fall closed as I try breathe in her familiar scent, feel her warmth radiate against me.

‘Gabrielle..’ She turns to look at me, I stop her with a finger to her lips.  There’s no more for us to say right now. I’ve memorized her face so many times before but I feel like I’m looking at her for the first time. My thumbs run across her lips and down her face. I take her face in the palm of my hand, bringing her closer. Our lips meet again, this time I’m more gentle and soft. I want to kiss her for an eternity. Our tongues meet in a slow intimate dance.

I move to straddle her lap, wrapping my arms around her neck. I don’t feel the cold, only Xena.  Her hands run up through my hair as she moans into my mouth. I could be slow, I could be gentle, but at this very moment I feel an urgency and a need that I have to quench. My hand clenches her hair pulling her head back and exposing her neck. I lick at the exposed skin, then I latch on and suck, making sure to mark her. I want what’s mine.

Her fingers grasp at my back, grabbing the material attempting to remove it. I grab my sais bringing it up to the laces that bind my top to me. In one movement I slice the lace causing the material to open.  She pulls the top away from my body, her hands warm against my back. I abandon my sais, grasping for the material of her kimono, ripping it away from her skin. The cold hits our exposed flesh, causing bumps to raise on our bodies.

I return to her neck, feeling her pulse beneath the skin. My fingers splay across her breasts, just relishing the feel of them in my hands. Her skin is so warm. A groan escapes my lips, reverberating against her skin. She gasps, nails digging into my back. I can’t stand to be away from her lips for long so I go on a search for them. It takes seconds for me to find my treasure. I bite her bottom lip lightly, pulling, before I let go, my tongue tracing across the same spot.

I push her down against the furs, straddling her stomach at the same time. Slowly I grind, her body pushing up against me.  Xena’s hands slide slowly from my hips up my body, fingers stopping just under my breasts which bounce with my movements. But this isn’t quite enough.​

I flatten my body against hers, my fingers begin an exploration of her every curve. There’s no point in waiting, once I’m close enough I thrust four fingers into her.  My thigh pushing against my hand for extra friction and power. Her immediate reaction is to shout, body arching up into the air.  My lips capture a nipple, my tongue flicking across it as I suck. A sheen of sweat covers us both.

Xena’s body starts to tense, her walls spasming against my fingers.  But that is not going to stop me, I just pump my fingers harder and faster until she comes again, a scream escaping her lips.  Finally, I collapse against her, my energy depleted. I can’t seem to stop the tears that come to my eyes, but the love I feel is overwhelming.

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My sleep is not restful and it does not last long. I extract myself from Xena, careful to not wake her. I’m still on edge and in pain. I never expected my life to turn out like this. Grabbing my clothes, I cover myself to keep the cold away. The night is dead silent, not a single noise to distract me from my thoughts. So I walk.
There’s no plan or path, my feet just move and the body follow me I am enjoying the peacefulness of my surroundings. It may be silent, but that silence seems to be filling me up. I stop, spreading my arms out and looking up into the black sky. It feels like there is something down in the pit of my stomach that is trying to claw its way up my throat. I drop to my knees, hoping some God hears me, whether it be Eli’s or anyone else’s.
My soul feels exhausted. I feel like I should be crying, but all my tears have been spent. How will I ever accept the fact that Xena sacrifices herself for others? It’s what I’ve preached to her for years, but I can’t handle the consequences of what she’s learned. What kind of person does that make me? I’m not as good as I try to be, I’m completely selfish. If I had to choose between her and the lives of five thousand people……I’d choose Xena every time. I lose her and I lose a part of my soul.
Where does all this leave me now? Still in pain from her loss, in shock that I have her back. We were a family once, for a short time. I had hoped that would be enough for her, but her spirit is restless and is always on the move. I know deep in my heart that we can never settle anywhere. I can always hold that hope close though. I wish I was enough for her, but I don’t think I’ll ever be.
My body collapses all the way down. The snow is hugging my body, but I don’t notice the cold it brings. I’m the only one who can fix the state I’m in.  I already know what Xena can and will do, I just need to decide how I’m going to live with it.
I’m not sure how long I remain here, but I do not stir till the sun begins its ascent in the sky. I’m probably frozen, but I’m numb at the same time. I can’t stand that this is my path, my destiny. But if with any other path I’d have to walk alone I could never choose it.

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Another day is beginning, the sun high, the wind cold, the pain still aching. If I could forget the image of her body hanging, devoid of head and what I felt at that exact moment, then life would be ok again. The bitter cold is finally beginning to leech into my bones. I’m happy to feel something different.​
 

‘Gabrielle!’ She’s calling for me.  I know she has been up since I walked away from the campsite. Staying away to let me deal with the turmoil my own way. I love her, she’s alive, that is what I need to hold onto.  But I can’t help but feel that there is a part of me that will not recover.​
 

‘Gabrielle.’ Xena’s face appears above mine, for a moment I swear she’s an angel. Hands desperately search my body, verifying there are no wounds. She bundles me up into her arms, walking me back to the camp. Without letting me go, she sits back upon the furs, wrapping one around us.  Hands rub and down my arms in an attempt to warm me. I’m beginning to notice just how cold I am.  My teeth chatter and my body shakes.​
 

‘Tell me what to do.’ She pleads, lips against the top of my head.​
 

‘Stop dying.’ I chuckle but I’m not sure why I find it funny.​
 

‘Gabrielle.’ It’s whispered as if a sigh.​
 

‘Imagine what I’d be like if you were really dead.’ Again I chuckle, but choke back a sob and a fresh onslaught of tears.​
 

‘If there was another way…’ I’m noticing she’s talking but isn’t actually saying anything.  What can she say? What was done had to be done.  At least that is what she always says.  Somehow sacrificing is always the way she has to go. If it had been me would she have fought any less than I did?​
 

‘I’ll be fine Xena.’ I won’t, but I will cope.  I’m going to have nightmares the rest of my life. ‘Just give me time.’
‘If it’s better that I leave…’ My body turns, hand slapping across her face.  My reaction is so unexpected, even by me.  I turn back away, she doesn’t let go of me though and I can’t move.​
 

‘Xena….. I wouldn’t have fought so hard to get you back just so you could leave.’ My jaw is clenched, the words are forced.  My anger is making me tremble more than the cold.​
 

‘I just want you to be happy.’ The anger dissipates in seconds. If I don’t forgive her, she will leave. I turn to face her again, my fingers gracing her face where my hand had only moments ago struck.​
 

‘I’m happiest when I’m with you. Just when I close my eyes I see….’ I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the image away.  If feels as if I’m there; the lightning, the cold rain pouring down soaking every inch of me. I open my eyes again, fingers still stroking her cheek. ‘I’m sorry.’ I never meant to hit her. A softness is coming back to her features.  Her eyes still glow with hurt.​
 

‘I’m sorry too.’ She means it, I know.   I rest my head against her chest, closing my eyes. I focus on trying to breath. One thing at a time and I can move on. Her heart beat provides a rhythmic mantra for my ears. I feel safe here in her arms.  Slowly the pain is becoming less pronounced.  I feel like I can breath for the first time.​
 

I finally take the time to just melt into her, enjoy the warmth that only she can bring me. Her fingers trace up and down my arm. I don’t have to remember these things because I have them right now. I’m overjoyed.  Our breathing seems to sync, in and out at the same interval and time. Everything around us becomes still, the wind has even disappeared.​
 

‘Where do we go from here?’ I whisper breaking the silence.​
 

‘Home.’ We continue to breathe as if 1 person. I think the fire has died, I’m not sure; Xena’s touch is beginning to captivate me.​
 

‘Xena?’ I turn to look at her.​
 

‘Yes.’ Her eyes shift to look into mine, deep pools glistening in the sun. I’m not sure what I want to say, what I need.​
 

‘Lets go find somewhere warm.’ Her eyes question me but she never speaks. Without hesitation we gather our things and set out.

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We continue on quietly. I suppose both of us are lost in thought. I feel better but I can’t seem to let go. I wonder about the person I used to be, when I first started out with Xena. I was a completely different being then. No one would be able to tell that we are the same person.​
 

We finally reach a town bustling with people.  It feels as if we’ve traveled three seasons, but I know it hasn’t been that long. I think I’m finally beginning to feel the hunger I’ve been ignoring. Xena dismounts her horse handing the reigns to me.​
 

‘I’ll see if I can go find us a place to stay.’ She says quietly, a small smile plays on her face as she looks at me.  But it’s quickly gone and so is she.  I lead the horses to a stable, giving the man there some dinars to feed and wash them; grabbing  the few possessions we have and walk out into the marketplace. I used to love to shop and haggle.  It feels like a distant memory but it really wasn’t that long ago.​
 

My fingers graze a silk shawl as I pass a stall.  The owner calling out prices to me; I don’t bite. I just want to feel normal for a moment. Browse the goods and pretend nothing bad has ever happened.  Just for a moment; though I know that the person I am now has accepted the battles and the constant danger. I think I’ve finally lost that last little bit of naivety.​
 

A warm hand touches my shoulder. I know who it is, she’s actually been following for awhile now.​
 

‘Gabrielle.’ I turn to face Xena. A hesitant smile on her face. ‘I found a place to stay for the night, or longer if you want.’ I feel guilty suddenly. In my own grief I have forgotten everything she has gone through. I reach up touching her arm.  She seems both surprised and happy by this gesture.​
 

‘I’m exhausted.’ I feel I was going to say something else entirely, but these are the words that come out. The room she’s bought has a huge fireplace, a fire already blazing away. The sky outside is covered with dark clouds ready to burst, this makes the room that much more dark. A small platter of food sits on a table by the window. A wooden tub with steaming water sits to one side of the room; a large bed nearby.​
 

‘I thought you might not be up for a crowd.’ She shrugs at me. I smile, small gestures are always the most important to me.  I feel I should be the one offering these gestures. I stand on my tip toes, giving her a light kiss on the lips.​
 

‘Come on,’ she says reaching for my hand, pulling me towards the tub. It looks as if its just big enough to fit the both of us. I hate bathing alone. We stop just at the edge of the tub, Xena’s hands reaching for my garments.  I let her slowly undress me, feeling her hands graze across my skin every time something is removed. She keeps her eyes locked on mine. Soon there’s nothing left, the cold causing the hairs on my body to rise.  Her hands linger on my arms, her fingers delicately stroking.​
 

I reach for her clothes, following a similar path on her body as she did mine.  But when her clothes are gone all I can manage to do is look at her neck. I trace my finger across what would be the point her head was severed. Of course there’s nothing there now, but I can still seem to feel it beneath my fingers.​
 

Xena grabs my hand, stopping my fingers from remembering any more. She kisses my fingers softly then steps into the tub, offering her hand to help me in. The water is hot, and feels good against my cold skin. I sit between Xena’s legs, leaning back against her with my eyes closed. She begins to run a sponge along my arms and neck, slowly cleaning the dirt from me.
I take a moment to just relish the way she touches me. It makes me feel safe, at home wherever we happen to be. I could never hate this woman.​
 

‘You know I meant what I said before.’ She kisses my neck, wrapping her arms around me.​
 

‘What?’ A lot has happened, I have no idea what she’s talking about.​
 

‘That night, under the stars.’ I remember that brief moment, the calm before the storm.​
 

‘What was that?’​
 

‘We should go away together. Take a break from the fighting.’ I remember, I also remember not believing it at the time. She says a lot of things, but nothing she’s ever truly meant.​
 

‘Do you really mean it?’ I ask, opening my eyes and tilting my head back to look at her.​
 

‘Of course.’ She looks at me as if she could not be more serious.  I close my eyes relaxing again.​
 

‘Where would we go?” It’s a beautiful idea, but there is no where we could run where a fight will not find us. ‘And what about Eve?’​
 

‘She’s on her own path. If she needs us she’ll find us.’ She puts her head against mine, her hands back to the task of washing me.​
 

‘Xena where would we go, what would we do?’ I can’t believe I’m the one arguing against this. Once before I was the one trying to settle, but she had resisted my efforts.​
 

‘I don’t know, but we would be together.’ She whispers her hand stopping. I turn my body what little I can to face her.​
 

‘Ok.’ I say, giving her a kiss on the lips before standing. ‘Come on I’m tired.’ We dry off then discard the towels on the floor. No need to dress, I enjoy the feel of her skin against mine. We get under the furs, my back to  her front.  It feels as if she enveloping me. It takes very little time before sleep claims me.

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I turn around, looking in every direction for her body.  I don’t know what state it will be in, but I try to prepare myself for the worst. Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of something. I shift, moving towards the shape when lighting illuminates the horror before me. I drop to my knees unable to breath, choking back the vomit that is fighting its way out of my stomach.  For a moment I can’t look, I don’t want it to be true. I manage to stand again unable to comprehend.​
 

I shoot straight up, leaning over towards the floor.  I’m unable to stop the bile that is pushing its way out. I can feel Xena’s hand on my back, her voice awash with concern.​
 

‘Gabrielle, are you ok?’ The nightmare is vividly fresh, I retch again. ‘Gabrielle?’ I sit, hunched over the side of the bed, breathing as if I just ran from Greece to Britannia.​
 

‘Nightmare.’ I manage in between gasps. Sweat is dripping from my body.  In short I’m a mess. She rubs my back, asking for no further details.  She knows nightmares all too well.​
 

There’s no possible way that I’ll be going back to sleep soon.  Xena pulls me against her, kissing the top of my head.  We sit back against the wall, the furs pooling down around us.​
 

‘I’m sorry.’​
 

‘Stop saying that.’ She’s back, that’s all that matters.​
 

‘Well I am.’​
 

‘Shut up Xena.’ I grin a little. We ease back into a comfort I’d all but nearly forgotten. Her fingers play with my short hair, disheveled and wild on my head.​
 

‘I’m hungry.’ She mumbles more to herself then to me. Dislodging herself from my body, she gets up and strides towards the table. I can’t help but admire the soft sway of her hips. Long legs, round ass; I think I’m drooling. She strides her way back towards the bed, a mischievous grin on her face.  I think I may have been caught staring.​
 

She hops on the bed, causing me to giggle a little. They tray has an assortment of food on it.  Not a lot, but just enough. Xena grabs a cold turkey leg and shoves it in her mouth.  Her fingers moving grapes and cherries aside to see what’s underneath. I grin, looking at her in surprise, though I shouldn’t be.​
 

‘What?’ She says, the leg still in her mouth. ‘I’m hungwee.’ I slap her arm playfully.​
 

‘You don’t have to eat it all.’ I’m fairly certain she forgot I was sitting next to her. She takes a bite out of the leg and sits it back down, her fingers covered in grease.​
 

‘Here.’ She grabs a grape, plopping it in my mouth unceremoniously.​
 

‘Thanks.’ I narrow my eyes at her in mock disappointment, I can’t stop the smile though. Xena shrugs, shoving the leg back into her mouth.  I can only seem to shake my head at her. Leaning back I watch her devour the food, loving every moment.​

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Night is beginning to settle in, and with it a storm that seems to vibrate the very air around us. Xena has fallen asleep again beside me, her breathing slow and even. I can’t sleep but I don’t want to anyway. This time can be spent doing better things, like memorizing her sleeping form. Her hair flows through my fingers like silk. It always feels this way just after a bath; I love running my hands through it.
 

A crack of thunder booms causing me to jump.  The lightning starts to come fast and furious. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to stop the memories from surfacing.
 

Breathe. Just Breathe.
 

I manage to push it down, but it’s still there just below my skin. Slowly I get up off the bed, pulling my robe tight around me. I make my way to the fire, sitting down on the fur in front of it. It’s much warmer here, the heat is chasing away the cold that has suddenly overcome me.
 

Breathe. Just breathe.
 

I prop my chin on the palm of my hand and close my eyes, listening. I can hear faint music, drifting out of a tavern. I try to focus on it, pick out each instrument, every note being played. Breathing deeply I un-focus my thoughts again. I feel slightly centered again, the flashing lightning not bothering me quite as much.
 

‘You ok?’ Xena’s voice is soft.
 

‘Yeah.’  I pat the ground next to me, suggesting she sit. She sits down still naked, wrapping a blanket around us. We lean against each other in silence. Xena is the first one to move breaking the momentary stillness.
 

Her knuckles caress my cheek. Her finger guides my chin towards her waiting lips, where we meet with a gentle kiss. It’s soft, so very soft. She works her hands under my robe, pulling it away from me as her hands continue to move down my body. Her fingers feel like they are sending bolts of lightning through me, every touch causing me to gasp into her kiss.
 

Her tongue begins a slow exploration of my mouth, tickling as it runs across my bottom lip. However her lips don’t stop there. She makes a path of soft wet kisses down the side of my neck. I’m so enthralled I don’t notice as she ties my hands together with a scarf. I pull away slightly, looking confused. She puts a finger up to her lips.
 

‘Shh.’ Xena slowly eases me down. One hand  holding my bound ones above my head. Her tongue licks down between my breasts towards my abdomen. When it’s path is made she softly blows on my skin.
 

‘Xena.’ I gasp her name, my back arching slightly. Her fingers come sliding down my body, the lightest of touches making my body tingle. Looking into her eyes, an intensity burns there. She looks at me with such lust as she peppers my stomach with kisses. That is not where she stops however. She pushes my legs apart, kissing down the inside of my thigh then up the other.  My breath hitches when I feel her hot wet tongue slide up through my folds.  I push my hips up against her groaning, relishing the contact her tongue makes. It flicks across my clit before finally slowly pushing inside of me, her hands grasping at my breasts.
 

I stop breathing entirely for a minute, arching up into her face straining my body against her. She grabs my hips, holding them down and preventing any more movement. Her tongue thrusts in and out slowly; I feel it curl up each time she thrusts in making me squeeze my eyes close. I’m gasping, trying to plead but I can never seem to get any words out.
 

She pulls her face away; the absence is almost too much for me. She slides her body against mine till once again her lips tease my neck. I don’t have to wait long before her fingers replace her tongue. Again she is thrusting slowly in and out, but her body is now behind every movement. My hips move in sync but I want it so much harder than this. I’m breathing in short gasps, intermingled with groans and moans and any noise she causes me to make.
 

She continues to nip and suck my neck, her movements excruciatingly slow. A fire is building up, coursing through my veins and out my finger tips.
 

‘Please..Xena.’ My body is straining against her, I just want more. She moves to look directly at me, barely centimeters from my face.
 

‘Shhh.’ She takes my bottom lip into her mouth and sucks till it begins to hurt. She releases my lip but captures my mouth.  Our tongues play against each other, my groans swallowed by her kiss. I’m so close, I just need it a little harder and faster to tip me over the edge. But Xena is refusing to comply to what my body is demanding. Her tongue slowly dances in my mouth, her body rocking against mine.
 

She intends to make me come from her tortuous movements, and by the Gods does she deliver. The intensity nearly kills me.  My body arches up, my head back. A feeling grows from my center then explodes outward. All of my thought processes stop, little explosions going off in my body. A long deep groan takes the place of any words I might yell.
 

Xena holds me till I come back to reality, breathing hotly against my neck, her breathing just as ragged as mine. She reaches up freeing my hands from their bind. I wrap my arms around her, fingers digging into her back.  I can feel a tear slide down my cheek, the emotion overcoming me. I try to hold the sobs but I have no control and my tears come pouring out. Xena just holds me tighter, letting me ride out the emotional rollercoaster.
 

‘You ok?’ She whispers as the tears begin to slow.
 

‘I love you.’ I’m so very happy at this moment. When I die, this is how I want it to happen.

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