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I’m confused, I’m angry and happy at the same time, and part of me really wants to hate her. I know what her choice would have been if things were different. I know that we’d go our separate ways because there is only so much I can take. Unfortunately she elicits such devotion that I can’t bring myself to leave her. Not yet anyway.  He’s dead, I’m more than happy and I probably shouldn’t be. She is feeling……..
 

I can’t be around her right now, not with that look on her face. She falls so easily, throwing me to the side as she reaches for someone else. I think I’ll go ahead on to Amphipolis by myself, once there decide what I should really do. I don’t think she cares right now anyway, so I can just leave.  There’s no need for me to sneak out, or leave a note. As morning hits, I grab my bags and walk out, right past her. And nothing.
 

I know you can’t help who you fall in love with, but maybe you should know who it is you truly do love. I know, and that is what kills me the most. My life would be so much easier if only………. But this is my fate, my torture to endure. Maybe she’ll say to me that it was nothing and try to act as if everything is ok, like after Ulysses.  But I think I may have reached a point in my self-sacrifice where I can’t give any more. So I hitch a ride to Greece.
 

There’s this part of me that is hoping to see her show up; out of breathe from running, a panicked look in her eyes.  This however does not happen, and I’m out in the water on this vessel that is bobbing up and down.  I watch as the land disappears from view, and I fear I have already made my decision.
 

The trip is long and painful. No matter what I can never get my seasickness under control.  It makes one day feel like three, and a month like a year.  But one thing it saves me from, is thinking about Egypt and what I left behind there. Love can only make me blind to so much, and unfortunately my eyes were very open.
 

It takes a month or so before we finally arrive at the port in Glifada and my initial thought is to head home, to Potedea. But I remember Eve, and I know I need to see her one last time. So I set out on horseback, in no particular hurry whatsoever. It feels a little weird out here without Xena.  But when I think of her, I think of the pain. I can’t forget that, maybe in time I could forget her.  It’s a stupid thought and I know it.
 

Halfway there, Joxer comes stumbling into my camp.  I’m not sure I’ve seen him walk into camp without falling or tripping, or acting like a court jester.
 

‘Gabrielle!’ He grabs me in a hug, and I reluctantly hug back.
 

‘Hi Joxer.’ He is refusing to let go of me. ‘Joxer let go. Joxer!’ He finally releases me giving me a big goofy grin.
 

‘Hey where’s Xena?’ His head swivels back and forth.
 

‘She’s not with me.’ I don’t really want to go into it with him.
 

‘Why not?’
 

‘She had something to do in Egypt.’ I try to act nonchalant, like nothing is wrong.
 

‘Oh.’ He looks confused for a moment, but shakes it away. ‘So where you headed?’
 

‘Amphipolis.’ I’m trying to get my things packed back onto my horse, and he is seriously hindering me.
 

‘Oh, that’s where I’m going to.’  I turn and narrow my eyes at him.
 

‘You’re going to Amphipolis?’
 

‘Yeah.’ He shakes his head enthusiastically. There’s no point in arguing, he’ll come no matter what so I might as well accept it.  I take my horse by the reins and head out back onto the trail; Joxer at my side.
 

‘So what’s Xena doing in Egypt?’
 

‘Helping Cleopatra.’ I wish he would stop asking.
 

‘Oooh is she doing some sort of secret mission.’
 

‘No. Now I don’t want to talk about it.’  A mixture of hurt and confusion ripples across his face.
 

‘Oh, ok.’ He nods his head slowly, looking around. ‘Soo..’
 

‘Joxer!’ He doesn’t need to finish, I know what he’s going to ask.
 

‘Ok, ok.’ He puts his hands up in defense. ‘I’ll just walk here, not saying anything.’ He begins to whistle.
 

‘Good.’ This silence lasts for approximately one minute.  It was longer than I expected. He begins to tell me tales of battles I know never happened.  But it keeps him from asking about Xena so I let him talk to his heart’s content. His arrival slows me down tremendously, and it crosses my mind that if Xena wanted to find us, she could easily do that. I think that’s that part of me that lives in denial.
 

We manage to arrive in Amphipolis in once piece, and without me killing Joxer.  A swirl of emotions churn in my stomach. I do not like finality, and this may be the last time I get to see Eve. Joxer takes the horse as I go in search of Cyrene. Her tavern is busy, bustling with people eating and drinking.  I don’t see her out on the floor so I make my way back to the kitchen, hesitating a moment before I walk in.
 

Her back is to me, she’s cutting up something on a board in front of her. I clear my throat, but she doesn’t seem to hear.  I try again, louder this time. Cyrene spins around, a look of shock on her face.
 

‘Gabrielle.’ She’s always so happy to see me. We embrace for a moment. ‘Where’s Xena?’ I’ve been trying to think how I should answer this, I suppose I should just tell the truth.
 

‘We’re not together anymore.’ I can feel the tears threatening to spill. Cyrene’s expression changes to confusion.
 

‘What? What do you mean?’  She leads me over to the table, gesturing me to sit.
 

‘She fell in love with someone else.  I’m just here to see Eve one last time.’ I try to rush through it, maybe she wont ask too many questions.
 

‘Gabrielle..’ Her voice is that of shock. ‘Are you sure?’
 

‘About what?  That she loved someone else, yes.  That I don’t think I can handle it anymore, yes.’ My tears finally spill out coating my cheeks. She takes my hands in hers.
 

‘Oh honey I’m sorry.’ She looks genuinely upset.
 

‘You don’t have to be.’ I blame Cyrene for nothing, there’s no reason to apologize.
 

‘If my daughter has hurt you, then yes I do.’  She takes a piece of cloth and attempts to wipe away my tears. I can’t help but give her a sad smile.  She’s always acted like a mother to me, and even now she treats me like family. ‘Eve is upstairs taking a nap.’ She says after a moment.
 

‘Thank you.’ I begin to wipe my tears away furiously as I get up. ‘Thank you for everything.’ She nods but says nothing.  What is there to say? I slowly pick my way through the crowd of people and up the stairs. I go to Cyrene’s room, quiet as I can.  I can hear Eve's faint babbling before I even open the door. I paint the biggest smile on my face as I push it open.
 

Eve is sitting up in her makeshift bed. I’m surprised she hasn’t gotten out to wander yet.  She seems intent on a wooden toy grasped in her tiny hands though. I crouch down in front of her and pull her into my arms.
 

‘Oh my gosh, you’re getting so big.’ I kiss her cheeks a few times.  Eve just smiles and giggles at me, arms waving about. My heart is aching, but I try not to cry, this would only upset her. So I just hold her and kiss her, and wish that I didn’t really have to do this.  I stay through the night, sleeping on the floor next to the baby. Cyrene keeps giving me these sad looks and I can tell she wants to say something but doesn’t.
 

‘Where are you going to go?’ She asks as I begin packing my things to go.
 

‘Amazon land for a while.’ I feel more at home with the Amazons then I do with my family. She’s running her hand affectionately up and down my arm.
 

‘Are you sure?’
 

‘Yes.’ She thinks I’m making a mistake. ‘Don’t tell Joxer I’ve left yet. I don’t want him following me.’ I give her a kiss on the cheek, then one last hug to Eve. ‘Thank you for everything.’ I mount my horse and give her a small wave. God’s this is hard. I urge my horse into a sprint.  The quicker I leave the better, otherwise I might never leave.

 

 

​

The Amazons welcome me without question, and frankly I’m glad for their camaraderie.  I don’t want to be their queen, not anymore. I just want to live as part of the group, a fraction of the whole. No one minds, they are just eager to learn anything they can from me.
 

I’m still finding it hard to focus on anything but Xena. It’s tormenting me that she doesn’t care, and that I care too much. I do my best to blend in to the background, become one of the tribe and let that take over. At first there were questions about Xena, but I shook them off and refused to answer.  Everyone got the point eventually and stopped asking. Life is beginning to feel better, like I can move on and at least put Xena out of my mind.
 

I raise my bow and notch the arrow. I can remember some of the lessons Xena gave.  Sometimes I think it was just an excuse to press as close to me as possible. I breath in slowly and then out. My target is a stag that can feed us for days. Again I breath, this time letting loose the arrow. I watch it scream towards its intended target and hit with deadly accuracy.
 

‘You’re getting good at that.’ I immediately drop my bow at her voice. I don’t want to turn and see that she’s really here. A panic feeling is building inside me; I can barely control the emotions that want to explode within. I can’t even speak.
‘I’ve missed you.’ Her voice is soft.  This statement however ignites an anger I thought had vanished. I spin around to face her, trembling with all the emotions I’ve been holding back for months. She takes a step forward, I immediately take a step back. That tiny bit of hope that she had in her eyes dies. I guess this is not as easy as she thought.
 

‘Gabrielle I’m sorry.’ Her eyes shimmer with tears, while my own come rushing out in a torrent. Again she takes a step forward and I take one back. Her hand is reaching out, as if she wants to touch me.
 

‘Gabrielle please.’ Please what?!
 

‘Please?’ My jaw is tensed, the words hiss out between my clenched teeth. ‘Xena you…’ I can’t seem to find words strong enough to hurt her. I want her to feel what I feel. My heart is beating out of my chest, and it hurts. ‘I have more respect for myself than that.’ Her head tilts to one side. ‘I didn’t deserve that.  To just be nothing because some man comes along.’ She’s crying now, her face looking as if I just slapped her.
 

‘I know, I’m sorry.’ Step forward, step back.
 

‘Fuck you Xena!’ I pivot and take off in a run back towards camp.  I’ll have to send someone out to get the stag, and make sure they refuse Xena access to this land. When I get back Cyan can see the obvious distress on my face.
 

‘What happened?’ She leans in, hand on my shoulder.
 

‘Xena.’ It comes out in a barely audible whisper. I’ve told her a little about what happened, not everything, but enough. She just nods her head at me and begins to issue orders. I go to my hut and pray that this all just goes away.
 

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‘Queen Gabrielle.’ They insist on calling me that, even when I tell them not to.
 

‘What is it?’ An amazon walks in, head bowed.
 

‘We’ve captured Xena.’
 

‘And?’ I know Xena would only get captured because she wanted to.
 

​

‘Queen Cyan wants to know what we should do.’ I sigh, I could care less right now.
 

‘Can we talk about this tomorrow?’
 

‘As you command.’ She walks back out, and I throw myself down on my bed. Things were just getting livable again. Why did she wait so long? What exactly did she have to figure out?
 

The onset of night brings no peace with it; I’m restless and angry. Now is probably the best time to confront her, while my anger is at its height. I stalk through the camp, finding my way to the hut she’s shackled in. Throwing the flap aside, I storm in, anger bursting from every pore.
 

A small torch is all that lights the hut. I motion to the two Amazons standing guard to leave. They are hesitant at first, but the look in my eyes convinces them to obey. Xena is sitting on the ground, avoiding my gaze and looking down at the earthen floor.
 

‘What did you expect by coming here?’ I’m pacing back and forth in front of her.
 

‘I just wanted to….’ She can’t finish her thought.
 

‘Do you have any idea how you made me feel?’ She pops up to her feet, looking me in the eye now.
 

‘Gabrielle.’
 

‘No, I need to say this.’ I pace a few times before stopping in front of her again. ‘After everything we’ve been through, all it took was…..’ My heart is shattering, the sobs come whether I want them to or not. ‘I mean nothing to you.’ The words come out strained. She leans forward, wanting to touch me but restrained by chains.
 

‘You mean everything to me.’ I laugh bitterly at her.
 

‘I’m not the naive kid I used to be Xena.’ I spit my words out with vehement. ‘If you didn’t have to kill him, you wouldn’t be here right now.’ Her face falls, there’s nothing she can say to this, it’s the truth. ‘I give everything for you, and I am so easily disposable.’ She’s crying now, jaw clenching and unclenching.
 

‘Gabrielle I’m sorry.’ She pleads with earnest.
 

‘What do you want?’ She’s taken aback slightly but answers quickly.
 

‘I want you to forgive me; I want you to come back.’
 

‘Ha!’ I throw my arms up at the ludicrous statement.
 

‘I love you.’ She whispers.  I drop to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest.  What is love to her? I think she just needs me around to be her sidekick, she’s gotten used to me being there all the time. Xena crouches down, reaching her hand towards me. I ignore her.
 

‘I’m easily replaced.’ I growl. She sighs in frustration and sits against the post she’s chained to. We sit in silence for nearly an hour. I refuse to look at her, my resolve may waiver.
 

‘Gabrielle.’ She says softly. I don’t respond; I don’t really want to hear it. ‘I messed up, I’m sorry.’
 

‘How is that supposed to make everything better?’
 

‘It’s not.’
 

‘Then what’s the point?!’ She looks at me a moment, choosing her words carefully.
 

‘You’re right, I didn’t even think about you I just got caught up in everything.’ I’m about to say something when she interjects. ‘It’s no excuse, and it doesn’t change anything, but it’s the truth and you deserve that.’
 

‘How kind of you.’ She sighs again, giving up for the moment. ‘You could have stopped me.’ My voice is a pained whisper.
 

‘I didn’t realize. I wasn’t thinking.’  I laugh at her. She has yet to say anything that could possibly be construed as good or helpful to her cause.
 

‘And you expect me to just forgive you?’
 

‘No.’ She says after a moment. I feel like wrapping my hands around her neck.
 

‘I’m such an idiot.’ I say this more to myself than to her.
 

‘Do you still love me?’ This question seems so stupid and idiotic to me.
 

‘Of course I do; the problem is I don’t know if you really love me.’ She winces a little. ‘Why would I put myself in that situation again?’ She shrugs at me, she doesn’t have an answer.

 

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We sit in a silence that’s crushing me. I try to think of anything she could possibly say that would make everything ok; I can’t think of a single word. I’m tired, beyond exhausted and just plain drained.  There’s no point to sit here in torture. I get up to leave, not bothering to even look at her. She doesn’t protest.  I tell the guards to let her go, there’s no point in keeping her here.  I just want her to leave.
 

I head back to my hut, collapsing on the bed. My sleep is tormented by dreams of Xena, my brain refusing to give me peace.  I come out of it in a daze, seeing a figure standing a few feet away.  I scramble up out of the bed.  Xena is standing there, hands out as if to calm me. Why is she doing this to me? I throw my arms up, cursing towards the heavens.
 

‘I’m not going to leave.’ A determination booms in her voice. She steps toward me. ‘I do love you.’
 

‘I wish I could believe that.’ I can’t cry anymore, there just aren’t any tears left.
 

‘I’ll do anything.’ Xena, Warrior Princess, begging.  She takes another step forward.  This time there is nowhere for me to retreat, she has me cornered in my own hut. ‘Please Gabrielle.’ She’s inches from me, and as I look into those blue eyes I love so much, my anger waivers. I hate myself for loving her like I do.
 

I give up; I don’t want to fight anymore, because she just doesn’t get it. I crumple to the ground, defeated. Xena crouches down in front of me, hands reaching out, but unsure if she should touch me. I cringe back, not wanting her close. More like fearing her touch, and the feelings it brings.
 

Again we are encompassed by silence. I can hear the Amazons outside, talking and laughing.  Such a huge contrast behind these walls.  So what do we do, we’re at a standoff in a duel for our lives.
 

‘You know, if you told me Aphrodite cast a spell on you I’d feel so much better right now.’ She chuckles a little at my statement and sits down, back against the bed frame.
 

‘Xena, I don’t know that I can take the chance again.’ I manage to look at her. I’m arguing with myself internally. I want this to just be over and be in her arms like nothing ever happened.
 

‘We’re soul mates, we’re meant to be together, always.’ Her voice is soft yet persistent.
 

‘I think we have two different definitions of soul mate.’ There’s a mutual sigh.
 

‘I never want to hurt you.’ She shakes her head at herself. ‘There’s things about me that just never go away, and those things will hurt you.’ Her hand reaches out tentatively, resting on the top of my knee. I don’t flinch this time, don’t draw back. If I’m truthful with myself, I will always put myself in these situations if it means being by her side. I can’t stop loving, and I can’t stop caring.
 

‘Xena.’ There’s a lump in my throat that I try to swallow away. ‘Xena.’ Her hand comes up, cupping my cheek.
 

‘I can fix this.’ She whispers as tears fall from her eyes. She begins to frantically wipe the tears from my cheek. ‘I can fix this.’ She repeats as if trying to convince herself.
 

‘Xena.’ I take her hands in mine, pulling them away from my face. ‘You’re lucky I love you.’ I give her a small smile as relief washes over her.
 

‘I’m lucky for a lot of things.’ She brings her forehead to rest against mine.
 

‘I can forgive you but it will be hard to forget.’
 

“I know, I know.’ Sometimes I feel so weak under her touch.  I probably should just tell her to get lost, try to get on with my life. But sometimes my heart overrides my rational thought.  It’s gotten me into trouble more than once and I feel this may be another one of those times.

 

 

It was like the first time again, that first kiss. Her lips press against mine, completely unsure and hesitant.  It wasn’t about anger or pain anymore, just this overwhelming love I feel despite all her flaws.
 

‘Xena.’ I put my hands on her chest and push gently.  ‘We shouldn’t be doing this, it will fix nothing.’ Her shoulders slump and her eyes fall.
 

‘I didn’t think it would, but…. I haven’t seen you in months, and I just.. I miss you.’ She sighs, turning away from me. It would be so easy right now to just say ok, I don’t care, I need you, I want you, just hold me. But I know that if I don’t stand up for myself now, anything we may have will be pointless.
 

‘Tell me what I can do.’ She’s pleading again, hands on my shoulders and desperation blazing in her eyes.
 

‘I just want to know I’m not disposable.’ I know she loves me; it’s the extent of that love that I’m unsure of.
 

‘I wouldn’t be here right now if you were.’ She says this like it’s so obvious, but to me it’s as cloudy as a typhoon. ‘I wouldn’t be on my knees begging; I don’t beg.’ Her eyes search my face.  ‘You make me a different person.’ I think it’s the begging that’s getting to me.  She’s right, she doesn’t do that; it would be weak on her part to admit she needs something.  I reach up, caressing her cheek.
 

‘You know I can’t hate you.’
 

‘You’re too good to hate.’ I laugh, shaking my head at her. I’m all about love and forgiveness, how can I keep up this

dance?
 

‘You know I didn’t want it to be this easy.’
 

‘Easy to what?’ Her head bends down, trying to see into my eyes.
 

‘To forgive you.’ Her eyes close briefly in relief.
 

‘Just because I’m stupid and muck things up, doesn’t make you any less the person you have always been.’ I can almost hear Eli’s voice in my ear, telling me to let go of the anger.  To love her for who she is; and that may mean a lot of pain, but it can also mean so many good things. It would be stupid to just give up, after all the sacrifices and death. I give in.
 

I grab either side of her face, bringing my lips to hers.  They’re wet with tears, the taste of salt lingering there. I know I’ve reached a point I can’t turn back on. The pain is fueling my desire, my unquenchable need to feel her and know she’s mine. I kiss as if this would be the last time. I feel like I want to just crawl inside her, anything to just be a part of her.
 

My tongue thrusts against hers as the air slowly leaks from my lungs. I push my body into her, forcing her down on her back. I pull my lips away only because I can’t breath anymore. Staring down into her eyes all I can see is the person I love. She reaches up, running her hand through my hair. I’ve missed her touch, it makes me melt down to the bone.
I kiss her again. It’s unrelenting and unabashed, and I would prefer it never end. She pulls my body against her then rolls, switching our positions. My hands work to unlace her leather bodice as hers slide under my top. Everything becomes a frantic race to shed our clothes. Somewhere in this we make our way onto the bed, lying side by side facing each other. I’m kissing her neck, my hands trying to feel every bit of her body as I can.
 

Our legs intertwine as we pull each other close. She kisses across my shoulder and back again. I grab her by the back of her head forcing her to meet my lips again. I want to inhale her, no matter how impossible that may be. We go on like this for an endless amount of time; just feeling each other out like we’ve never touched before, and may never touch again.
 

Eventually there’s a mutual migration of hands lower. My teeth nip at her skin as I feel her fingers slide into me; her own body jerking against me in response to my fingers. The rhythm is matched stroke for stroke though it’s harder to concentrate with each passing second. I can feel myself reaching the climax so I search desperately for her mouth, capturing her lips with my own.  This is broken soon as we both reach the edge at the same time, gasping and arching into each other.
 

I cling to her, even as my body relaxes and my breathing becomes normal again. My head is tucked against her neck, I want to cry again but I hold it in. I can’t lose this, even when she rejects me I find it hard to do the same to her. I love her with every fiber of my body, so much it hurts physically.
 

She’s whispering in my ear. Saying she’s sorry over and over, that she could never love anyone like she loves me. She promises to never hurt me again.  I’m sure this is a promise she can’t keep, but I appreciate it all the same. I know I’m leaving here with her, that I’m going to have my family back and that feeling is overriding all that anger I’ve been holding onto.  I love her, I need her, that’s all there is to it.

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End