If I could go back and change things I’m not sure I could, despite all the pain this has caused me. Why does love have to be so painful? That’s a question I’m not sure can ever be answered.

I wipe away a tear.

Laying back on my bed my thoughts immediately jump back to her and her smile and her scowl, and her face. And everything that was good, but then also everything that was bad. But right now the bad doesn’t matter, only the good, that’s what I want to remember. I can feel her touch and I am led to remember when we touched and kissed and when sex was more than sex, it was love. Maybe I was a bit naïve in that respect, after all she said she doesn’t love me.

 

Laundered linen sheets,

Touch me with their coldness

And thoughts I can't repeat

Shock me with their boldness

Why did my mind and body believe

That you would never leave them

Now the parts of me that ache

Well they force me to deceive them

So come back and relieve them

 

~ ‘I love you.’ She says as her fingers slip inside me. This is the first time these words have slipped from her mouth; they are almost lost in my groan. She removes her fingers and traces them across my lips, then leans downs and sucks on it. ~

 

But if you love someone can you leave them? Maybe I just wasn’t good enough for her to stay here. I thought we could always be together but these dreams have been shattered.

 

My bath's so hot it almost scalds

And I let the warmth surround me

I slide down 'til only my face shows

But I feel colder now than before you found me

When you used to pin me down

The clarity in your intent

But if your mind was somewhere else

I can better anything you can invent

I thought you understood how much you meant

 

~ ‘Why are you going?’

‘I have to go.’

‘I thought you loved me.’

‘I…………..’

‘How can you leave me, I need you. We have to stand together or I can’t do this.’ I drop to my knees, I can’t contain the tears that wash over my face. I don’t care that I’m making a display, that I look somewhat pitiful to be on my knees begging this person.

 

‘Please don’t do this.’

 

‘I love you.’ My voice is pleading and my heart is aching, I can’t stand to think of this loss.

 

‘I have to go, this feels right, I have to do this.’ Her voice is becoming stern, but only because she’s trying not to cry, I can tell.

 

‘I love you.’ I can barely get the words out. Maybe if I tell her enough times she’ll stay. She squeezes her eyes shut then growls in frustration.

 

‘I don’t love you.’ She growls at me and turns away. All I can do is clutch my chest at the intense pain I begin to feel. Her words have shocked me. She’s trying to rip herself out of me. But I’m not stupid I know she loves me, I have to believe that. ~~

 

I try to dry the tears from my cheeks.

If I let her lies deceive me then I’ll have to believe our time together was nothing, it meant nothing to her, but it did.

 

Her touch lingers on my skin.

 

Things got rough, she got scared, it happens, but leaving, was that the answer? I love her more than even my life itself, I never thought I could love anyone like that, but I did, I do. I dreamed of a future with her, I wanted her forever. I thought she wanted that too, I thought she wanted me.

 

Who would steal you

I still feel you

Now you're gone

These are lies, its not real

This is more than I can feel

Its all wrong, now you're gone

I work hard to carry on

If you could have seen, how I've been

Then you'd know how much you mean

 

 

Now I am lost and alone, more than ever I think. I’m shocked she can do this to me, reduce me to tears so easily. Crying is all I can think to do. She has left me here stranded, only half the person I used to be. When did I become this weak person? I never thought I could love her, but then when I did, I never wanted to let her go. She was mine, I wanted nothing else really, but I couldn’t say that, it would seem so desperate. But God I want her back so badly it makes me dizzy. I want to die, I don’t care anymore. It’s her fault I’ve been reduced to this shivering mass of tears. I can’t believe I have to cry over her.

 

There’s a knock on the door and I drag myself back to reality, trying to wipe away the tears and pain that is so evident on my face. I regain my composure and open the door.

 

‘Faith.’ My name whispered on her lips. She’s been crying. I cannot think straight.

 

‘You forget something?’ I ask my voice raw with anger, but I don’t care that she’s left, only that she came back. She stares back at me and I’m lost in her eyes like I have been so many times.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ She rushes to me and wraps her arms around me in a tight hug. I think about pushing her away and let my anger stream from my lips, but I can’t. It takes me a few seconds then I too wrap my arms around her little body and hold on with everything I got. She whispers that she is sorry, over and over again like a mantra. I don’t care that she left, only that she came back.